ahh... my new laptop came with windows 10 so it probably doesn't have dx9 stuff on it at all. What does it use in this case (fallback)? How did it not just throw an error at me? I can't try until I'm home, but I'll be sure to do that.
Manually edited the .ini to remove vsync and syncrefresh
-video d3d -> 748.83%
-video bgfx -> 451.45%
-video opengl -> 1166.60%
MUCH better, but still really slow. Still favors opengl. Not sure how installing dx9 will make a difference, but I'll try in a few days.
Only settings I see in the nvidia control panel are 3d settings
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime.