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too creepy? (dating advice)
#281995 - 04/10/12 05:03 AM
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Some might say it's foolish to ask for dating advice in the bin, but here goes...
There's a lady in my church choir that I had planned to ask out on Sunday. Unfortunately, I ran out of time on Sunday and wasn't able to talk to her.
I figured I'd just call her instead, but when I thought about it I remembered that she's never told me her phone number.
Her home phone number is in the phone book and her office number is on her college's (she's a teacher) website, but would it seem too creepy on my part to call her by using that information?
I suppose I could just wait and hope that I see her next Sunday, but that would limit the days that we could go out if she did say yes (I'm leaving for drill on the Friday of that week and after that I'm going to Hawaii until April 28)
There's also a pretty good chance that she's not interested in me, which might make things at choir awkward if I try to ask her out.
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| Gor |
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#281998 - 04/10/12 05:24 AM
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> Some might say it's foolish to ask for dating advice in the bin, but here goes...
>
> There's a lady in my church choir that I had planned to ask out on Sunday.
> Unfortunately, I ran out of time on Sunday and wasn't able to talk to her.
> I figured I'd just call her instead, but when I thought about it I remembered that
> she's never told me her phone number.
> Her home phone number is in the phone book and her office number is on her college's
> (she's a teacher) website, but would it seem too creepy on my part to call her by
> using that information?
>
> I suppose I could just wait and hope that I see her next Sunday, but that would limit
> the days that we could go out if she did say yes (I'm leaving for drill on the Friday
> of that week and after that I'm going to Hawaii until April 28)
>
> There's also a pretty good chance that she's not interested in me, which might make
> things at choir awkward if I try to ask her out.
>
> What do you think I should do?
> Call her at her office number (admit that you got it from the college's website -
> cyberstalker)
> Call her at her home number (admit that you got it from the phone book - regular
> stalker)
> Wait until next Sunday. You shouldn't ask someone out on a first date over the phone.
> Don't ask her out at all. You're not ready.
> don't know / don't care
I would recommend not contacting her on a number she didn't provide. She'll probably just find it creepy.
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Oh for Pete's sake.
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gor]
#282000 - 04/10/12 05:42 AM
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> I would recommend not contacting her on a number she didn't provide. She'll probably
> just find it creepy.
Agreed. Always ok to ask her out over the phone, but she should give you the number first.
Good luck, Gem.
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#282001 - 04/10/12 05:45 AM
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Seriously? Using the phonebook to look up somebody's phone number is not stalking! That's what the phonebook is for, it's simple, you're calling her to ask her out. You're not a total stranger. It's not part of your plan to follow her around in an unmarked van like some creepy rapist serial killer. Right?!
If she didn't want her phone number to be public she could remove it from the phone book.
I think it's sad that it has come to this!
If you believe that she might be that paranoid then it's probably better to talk to her face to face, calmly reassuring her that whatever the outcome, you mean her no harm and there will be no hard feelings.
If that's the case, and you won't see her until next Sunday, then wait until you get back from Hawaii....who knows what can happen in Hawaii.
S
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Sune]
#282004 - 04/10/12 06:00 AM
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It's not creepy if you're calling for something other than asking her out. Didn't give the number plus asking out over the phone, I don't think that's a winning combo but a bunch of grown ass men in a choir isn't either. 
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#282007 - 04/10/12 06:27 AM
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Do some actual physical stalking, and "run into" her somewhere.
Don't take my advice, as it was given by someone who would never do that.
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| yaggy |
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#282035 - 04/10/12 04:27 PM
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How well do you know her? Is there already some rapport? If so, then the phone wouldn't be all that crazy. If you really only know her in a polite way, the phone call would be jarring. "Oh, Peter? From church? Um, hi.."
I think it'd be much better to just talk to her next time you see her, don't push too hard and definitely approach with the mental state that you don't expect much. After some light chitchat, just throw it out there... offer to buy her coffee down the street or whatever. Talking to her away from church is the objective now. It's friendly and casual and is just for fun. See if you like her as much as you think you might. Be mindful to show interest in what she's saying and ask questions to show this. Try to ignore cleavage (if any). Chances are she'll appreciate all this and start dropping hints if she's also into you. Do not feel bad if she's got plans and turns you down. If she's got interest, she'll offer a raincheck.
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| jopezu |
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#282037 - 04/10/12 04:59 PM
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she'll find it creepy. the fact that you included a 'you're not ready' option in the poll reflects this.
that being said, you need to have some socially viable way of inserting yourself into a non-church activity with her to get some exposure. you really have said nothing about what this girl's experience or perception of you is.
this - "I figured I'd just call her instead, but when I thought about it I remembered that she's never told me her phone number." - seems like you're lying to yourself. you honestly brainfarted that hard? you have a crush on this girl and it somehow eluded you for a moment that she hasn't given you her number? wouldn't you have had some kind of memorable mental celebration when/if she would have given it to you?
you need to be honest about things if you want advice that is going to work.
Edited by jopezu (04/10/12 05:02 PM)
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: yaggy]
#282038 - 04/10/12 05:08 PM
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> I think it'd be much better to just talk to her next time you see her, don't push too
> hard and definitely approach with the mental state that you don't expect much. After
> some light chitchat, just throw it out there... offer to buy her coffee down the
> street or whatever. Talking to her away from church is the objective now. It's
> friendly and casual and is just for fun. See if you like her as much as you think you
> might. Be mindful to show interest in what she's saying and ask questions to show
> this. Try to ignore cleavage (if any). Chances are she'll appreciate all this and
> start dropping hints if she's also into you. Do not feel bad if she's got plans and
> turns you down. If she's got interest, she'll offer a raincheck.
This.
The ultimate goal is to get her locked in your basement dungeon and yaggy's approach sounds perfect. 
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| Hizzout |
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: jopezu]
#282042 - 04/10/12 05:53 PM
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Quote:
The fact that you included a 'you're not ready' option in the poll reflects this.
Reminds me of the quote:
"When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because, in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: Gemini]
#282046 - 04/10/12 06:39 PM
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I ALMOST said don't ask her out, you're not ready... but I went with ask her out on Sunday after all.
But here's my take...
I would guess part of the reason you are consternating over this decision is because, in your mind, you already imagine your chances are slim at success with her (otherwise uyou'd march on over and say "lets do this"), yet you feel like you have limited opportunity to meet women like her, and don't want to miss out on the opportunity should fate have allowed you success in this case. It would appear you feel like you have a lot of eggs in this one basket.
Which is why I ALMOST said you're not ready.
If you ask her out under that pressure of time and sense of limited opportunity, she will sense how much desparation is invested in that question, and THAT is your obstacle to success. It would have almost nothing to do with your appearance, and your personality... with women its all about attitude.
Women can smell that insecurity a mile away.
I'd say you are ready when you feel like she is but one egg in the basket, and make or break is of little consequence to you, and so when you ask, it won't come with that sense of desparation, which will make you seem more interesting to her.
While from a comedy movie, Mike Damone's stellar five point plan for asking girls out is right on the money.
ATTITUDE
"The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude."
Damone Gives Out Dating Advice by RetroCafe
So... yes... you CAN ask her out on Sunday if you can shed all that insecurity and desperation, and just knock out the ask-out question like it would be something casually enjoyable for her... because you have no stake in the game, and it's her gain. Attitude. And a coke with no ice.
EDIT: And P.S. Don't call her... she didn't give you her number. That would be a major shot from left field for her.
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| Hizzout |
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Get confident stupid
[Re: Gemini]
#282163 - 04/11/12 08:31 PM
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Re: Get confident stupid
[Re: Hizzout]
#282174 - 04/11/12 11:05 PM
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Cameraman deserves an award for restraint for not bursting into laughter.
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| Hizzout |
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Re: Get confident stupid
[Re: Smitdogg]
#282181 - 04/12/12 12:24 AM
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It's actually eerily close to a high school aged Hizz
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Man, just say 'hey, I'm interested in you....are you interested in me?'...
[Re: Hizzout]
#282243 - 04/12/12 09:29 AM
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If yes, great. If not, great anyways. Don't need 'em. Mosey on.
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Consider it high comedy....sincere tragedy....whatever...don't take it personally.
The Culture
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thanks everyone
[Re: Gemini]
#282548 - 04/14/12 02:46 PM
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I think this might've been a case where I knew the right thing to do (not call) but I needed to hear other people say it.
I'm not going to respond to everyone's individual posts, but I did find them all helpful.
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: jopezu]
#282549 - 04/14/12 02:58 PM
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> this - "I figured I'd just call her instead, but when I thought about it I remembered
> that she's never told me her phone number." - seems like you're lying to yourself.
> you honestly brainfarted that hard? you have a crush on this girl and it somehow
> eluded you for a moment that she hasn't given you her number? wouldn't you have had
> some kind of memorable mental celebration when/if she would have given it to you?
It's true that I left out a lot of details. As to her phone number, she's actually the director of the choir, so a lot of the people in the choir know her number. I'm pretty sure my sister knows it, I'm think my mom might know it; I just don't remember if she gave it out to everyone in the choir in general or only to certain people who might have a reason to call her.
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Re: too creepy? (dating advice)
[Re: GatKong]
#282550 - 04/14/12 03:09 PM
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> I would guess part of the reason you are consternating over this decision is because,
> in your mind, you already imagine your chances are slim at success with her
> (otherwise uyou'd march on over and say "lets do this"), yet you feel like you have
> limited opportunity to meet women like her, and don't want to miss out on the
> opportunity should fate have allowed you success in this case. It would appear you
> feel like you have a lot of eggs in this one basket.
>
> Which is why I ALMOST said you're not ready.
>
> If you ask her out under that pressure of time and sense of limited opportunity, she
> will sense how much desparation is invested in that question, and THAT is your
> obstacle to success. It would have almost nothing to do with your appearance, and
> your personality... with women its all about attitude.
>
> Women can smell that insecurity a mile away.
>
> I'd say you are ready when you feel like she is but one egg in the basket, and make
> or break is of little consequence to you, and so when you ask, it won't come with
> that sense of desparation, which will make you seem more interesting to her.
>
> While from a comedy movie, Mike Damone's stellar five point plan for asking girls out
> is right on the money.
>
> ATTITUDE
> "The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays.
> I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you
> have the attitude."
>
>
> Damone Gives Out Dating Advice by RetroCafe
>
>
> So... yes... you CAN ask her out on Sunday if you can shed all that insecurity and
> desperation, and just knock out the ask-out question like it would be something
> casually enjoyable for her... because you have no stake in the game, and it's her
> gain. Attitude. And a coke with no ice.
Confidence. As someone who can be extremely prideful and arrogant, you'd think I'd have more confidence.
It's weird; she's been in the choir for at least 2 years, but I never really thought about asking her out until this year.
I've probably jinxed myself by thinking about it too much. I guess I'll find out tomorrow (fingers crossed) 
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| Tomu Breidah |
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All the while taking pictures of her without her conse [nt]
[Re: mogli]
#282608 - 04/15/12 07:12 AM
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> If yes, great. If not, great anyways. Don't need 'em. Mosey on.
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